Has anyone ever picked on you like this?
Has anyone challenged you today? Put you on the spot? Made you feel like you were being tooled or ridiculed? Played a game with your self-confidence?
This is going to be an UNBELIEVABLE blog post , because this topic goes WAY beyond just pickup and attracting women. It speaks to the heart of who you are as a MAN. And I'm going to show you how to blow out the most common "Alpha" game there is between guys.
Read on...
QUESTION:
Carlos ...In the past few months I've noticed that there are special dynamics that go on when interacting with guys, especially in front of women. It seems that there is always one (sometimes two if it is a large group) alpha male in the group. And of course, the female is attracted to him. I find that I have a strong desire to be the alpha male, but am not always able to be.
For example, I'll be bringing value to the group... when all of a sudden, one of the males tries to screw with my game by calling me
names or making fun of me, and the thing is that honestly I am sensitive, and sometimes I can't hide the fact that it annoys me or hurts me, and therefore I can't come back with a stronger frame and out-alpha this guy back.
For example, yesterday, I walked up to a group of my college friends, and asked a random question about where our class was being held. As soon as I asked the question to the group, one of the guys says, "You're gay!" And then everyone laughed. Now, it didn't bother me too much at first, because I'm a confident guy, and I don't usually let things like this throw me off, or at least I try not to, but when I just let the laughter pass and kind of rolled my eyes, and asked the question again, he did the same thing again even louder, therefore making the group laugh even louder again at me.
This time, I just got pissed off, though probably not visibly (at least to the guys, because they're not as good at reading body language, and there were two girls in the group, and about 4 or 5 guys, just so you get a better picture). I knew that since I was
pissed off, I was already in a weak position, one of reaction, and I tried to make some sort of comeback, but my frame was already thrown off, and basically he had succeeded in doing exactly what he wanted to.
So I just walked away, angry as hell and wondering why I didn't just clobber him right on the spot which, on second thought was probably not a good idea anyways.
So my question, now that you have a better picture of my full situation, is how do I avoid being out-alpha'd, if you know what I mean? How can I be a leader instead of the guy that gets made fun of?
-Aaron
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
Yowza... I TOTALLY know where you're coming from on this one. I remember being tooled like this by guys in the past and getting REALLY frustrated by it. There was this guy I remember way back when in high school that used to spray kids at random with the fire extinguisher in the halls. The one thing he counted on was that no one would call him on it because he was a big guy. He used to laugh and wink at the girls when he did it. Same kind of juvenile behavior.
But there IS a cure for this kind of social shaming, and it's something you can use right away to reclaim your inner and outer Alpha Man Confidence. Because this situation happens to guys at EVERY age. I used to have constant issues with a guy who would make sly comments whenever his mistakes were pointed out in meetings. He was in his FIFTIES, believe it or not.
There's a realization you MUST have about the dynamic in groups like this, and especially when guys start to interact in front of women. First of all, despite what you're saying to the contrary, you ARE getting shaken up by this guy. Hey, most guys would get a little pissed, especially when group dynamics create an uncomfortable situation. AND he's trying to embarrass you in front of the women in the group.
I used to get very unsettled when I would be talking to guys in front of a group of women, because inevitably, they would try to make me look like a dork so that they could look better. Remember: This is the universal game of the Weak and Feeble - attack someone with underhanded insults to lower your social value and to raise his own. This is the pecking order. The typical response most guys have to being picked on is to REACT and let it get worse and worse, and their anger gets stronger and stronger.
And, yes, these guys will probably fall to the dark side. That's when you start responding by finding someone else you can push around or tool to establish YOUR place on the social ladder. I wish I could say that we - as 'intelligent' human beings - have overcome this kind of behavior, but we haven't. It's part of the way people are. (Even women have their own pecking order). So the reality is that you ARE letting them get to you because you believe that they are somehow being effective in lowering your social status.
And when you get shaken up like this, you will find it very tough to come up with an intelligent comeback or witty response to put him in his place. That was always the worst part for me. I'd get five steps away from a situation where someone had made me look like a fool, and THEN I'd come up with the perfect thing to say... "I should have said....!" TOO LATE.
And it's because your mind can't be resourceful when you're in an anxious state like this. The worst time to try to be at your best is when you believe you're at your worst. So what's the cure? Have a STRATEGY for these situations prepared in advance. Here's the 3-step strategy.
Social Skill 1)
Recognize the pattern of the situation before you get into it. And if you see this pattern developing, avoid it. Just like a trained fighter learns how to recognize the patterns of his opponent, he also watches for their strengths and avoids them. If you see a social situation where there is a mixed group gathered together like this, be on ALERT. Especially if you know their personalities.
I'm not saying avoid them right away, because that's social suicide, too. If you do that you're learning how to avoid rather than confront and overcome. Just know the temperature of the water before you jump in. By the way, I teach many of these strategies in my Power Social Skills program.
Now for the next strategy...
Social Skill 2)
Don't block. Instead, REDIRECT. When you're on the spot, and someone is blowing off your "serious" question or request, the more you stay serious or you push to get your result while they're doing this to you, the more you will look foolish. When someone punches at me in the martial arts, I'm conditioned not to block and stop their punch, because that's force meeting force. What I do is deflect it gently to the side so that they miss me and wind up hurting themselves.
This is the fundamental principle of Aikido, by the way. If you've ever seen Steven Seagal in one of his early movies, like "Marked for Death", you can see this principle in action. The same principles hold true in conversation. If someone is mocking or ridiculing, you will not be able to overcome them with "Yeah, ha-ha, okay, BUT seriously..."
Because they know that they can get a bigger laugh at your expense by making you the "straight man." You see? If you want a perfect movie example of this one, watch the first "Back to the Future" movie when George McFly (the dad) is in the hallway at school and he's got the "kick me" sign on his back. He tries to get them to stop, but fails miserably. So when they come at you with something like that, I usually totally blow out their energy with the power of confusion.
He says: "You're gay."
You say: "You're an iguana."
He says: "Huh?"
You say: "That's what SHE said."
Then you turn right to one of the guys that is the "silent follower" in that group - the one most likely to just do as he's told - and you don't miss a beat: You ask him, "Dude, where's that class meeting?" Ignore anyone else, and put the social pressure on this one guy specifically.
BOOM!
You've just blown out the most common pecking order game there is. This is a DEADLY effective tactic against a group, because the one thing the group relies on is that no one has individual accountability for the one guy who is mocking you. The others feel like they can be the laughing audience because there's only ONE guy who's playing you like this, and they are COUNTING on you defending yourself against him.
They're not counting on you holding one of THEM responsible for being a separate person with a mind of his own. And this process is easy because even if you're flustered, you can come up with random crap like this no problem. Just let your scattered thoughts work FOR you. I LOVE deciphering and destroying guys on this kind of game, because 99% of them have NO social skills at all, and it's so easy to annihilate their game.
And finally...
Social Skill 3)
Have your backup plan ready to roll. EXPOSE him. No social skill is complete without a backup, and this one is NO different. There's always a chance that this guy will desperately flail around to save his social image. Hey, the strategy I just gave you actually does the PERFECT thing - it let's him take the easy out and save face. You haven't directly insulted him, so he can only keep going and make himself look worse. As the saying goes, the more rope you give them, the more they have to hang themselves with.
Remember that these guys have no real social skills beyond playing out their mocking as a social strategy. So if he keeps it up, trying to win by persistence, your backup plan is to call him on it. EXPOSE HIS GAME. Calmly, Confidently, NO emotion, and with no intent to harm. You simply expose what he's doing in front of everyone, which destroys his ability to make you look bad.
HIM: "Yeah, dude, but you're still gay..." (Trying desperately to get a laugh so that he doesn't feel his value lowered. He looks insecurely at his buddies one-by-one to see if they are still responding. Pitiful).
YOU: (Start trying to hold back your laughter.) "WOW, that's pretty clever. You're trying to get a laugh at my expense." (Look impressed with him here) "Hey, look, you keep going, dude. I just know that eventually you'll impress ... uh... someone. Please, keep going. Anyway, while you're doing that, I'll be somewhere else. Later, chode."
Walk away, laughing and shaking your head.
Hell, I'd even wink at one of the girls to let her know that YOU know how the game is won. Take my word for this... You do this sort of thing EVERY time - refusing to react to him and acting on your own - he WILL give up. He's counting on you to play the game. If you don't resist him, he has no energy to use against you.
It's like the little Chinese guy who's attacked by the hulking 290 pound weightlifter. Time after time, the small Asian man ducks, steps aside, parries, the punches and strikes of the big dude. The monster muscle-man throws himself into dumpsters and cars and brick walls. Eventually, he catches his breath and looks at the 5-foot tall man who hasn't taken so much as a scrape and says, "Okay...I'll let you go... THIS time."
Who REALLY won? We all know who the victor was, and it doesn't need to be shouted out with taunts and poor sportsmanship dancing in the end-zone. Yeah, you could respond to his "You're gay" comment with something funny to banter with him, like: "You looking for a date? I'm not interested, man." But then you get caught up in a whole new game of being Mr.On the Spot Witty Guy. And that takes a lot of practice. Just shut his game down so the other women there know who's boss.
I used to have SO many problems with other people and their silly little games like this. I used to get mad at THEM for using them on me, especially when it seemed like women were playing me all the time. Until I realized that it wasn't THEIR fault that I was getting pecked and mocked right out of social situations. A coach once explained to a reporter why his team didn't win the game. He pointed the blame: "We just weren't prepared to play in the rain," he said. The reporter asked, "Didn't it rain on the other team, too?"
Hmmm....
I figured out that it was MY fault for not learning how to play the other guy better than they were playing ME. And not to make him look bad or stomp him into the dirt, either. That's not necessary. I realized I could get the Win-Win that would make BOTH of us come out ahead. That way I get my personal victory, AND I keep the good will of someone who doesn't know social skills as well as I do. (And let's be honest, we don't need any more enemies, do we?)
If you want to start winning like this in ALL of your social encounters - whether it's with dorky guys or hot women - you need POWER social skills. I created a very cool program that covers all the bases I just did for you on this game - only on another 130+ games that you need to know to win in your social life. I go through each one with a game card to show you:
- What to look for so you recognize each of them before you get caught up in them and made to look like the fool.
- What the personality type is of each person that uses this game, and what their goal is - so you know what they're looking for, and how to help them get it without having to get caught up in the silly game.
- How to handle each situation specifically, including your desired objective and WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY to effectively defuse the game and get things going the way you want it to.
And MUCH MUCH more...
Really, if you've every said to yourself "I'm so sick of these games...!" then you owe it to yourself to take a look at this exciting program. Plus, I'm giving away some really cool training videos and tutorials on that page as well. Click here and go read about how to handle social skills with power and confidence.
Your friend,
Carlos Xuma
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